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Tag Archives: Loss

I am in mourning…

Not because a loved one passed on,

but because I have a hole inside of me,

that once gleamed like burnished silver,

with diamond insets catching the light,

of a newly awoken sun.

It burned like the molten core of the earth,

flowing in rivers of golden ecstasy,

Filling every crevice of my body,

with an inimitable warmth.

The glow of what used to be,

is now a pulsating ember,

flickering in and out of existence,

teasing the end with its stuttering thoughts,

praying it could hold on a little longer,

though fate is quick to smother hope.

What wasn’t meant to be,

mustn’t be.

And so I go on,

missing a piece,

wishing for peace,

drinking myself to sleep.

I swore that the first time you broke my heart would be the last,

Yet here I am trying to find the words to defeat this loneliness,

That follows me again as I try to give up on the thought of you.

You tried to give me hope where you knew none existed,

that’s what cuts the deepest, the feeling of chasing a ghost.

Some ethereal nothingness that you somehow gave life to,

Feigning just the right amount of affection to keep me hooked,

Planting words like seedlings that spread their roots,

From my heart to my fingertips like a fatal ventriloquist.

But your veil could never last forever if it faced resistance.

I started to question the smoke you’d cast over my doubts,

Massaging them with promises you never meant to keep,

Until I wrenched myself from the grip of your influence.

Still, I sit here not vindicated but somehow feeling guilty,

Because I should have known where this road was going,

I knew all of the signs and cautions along the way,

Yet I still thought I was strong enough to break through

To what I thought was the real you.

In the last four years I have experienced pains that I never thought would come to me. I have felt the searing flames of over-active nerve endings fire off throughout my body. I have taken steps that felt like red-hot coals replaced the cool hospital floors. I have felt the sting of countless needles failing to find their mark, wriggling around in a futile effort to find the crimson life. I have felt the clawing ache of ruined joints, making an effort to dissuade my every move. I have felt the burning sensation of medicine meant to eradicate invasions, slowly atrophy my veins to uselessness. I have felt what happens when the needle meant to find the fluid, finds the spine instead. Through all of that, never has anything hurt more, than loving a person that will always try to keep you close, yet make you feel so far away.

You might have loved me, for a moment,

That day you read what I wrote to you,

when you were beside yourself with

happiness.

You’ve never been talked to that way,

you said to me.

“why are you always so good to me?”

you asked sweetly.

“Because I love you”

I said, with a swollen heart.

“I love you too!”,

You beamed with emphasis,

but it must have been,

only for a moment.

Because all things fall apart,

When they’re held together with,

Stars and heavy heart.

I saw you for the first time in nearly a year,

It was bittersweet, as most moments

Have been since the clock struck midnight,

Sealing the fate of the world indefinitely.

I couldn’t see your smile, but your eyes

Sparked a fire in my heart as of old.

Your warmth from six feet away,

Could set ablaze even the iciest soul.

It took everything in me to not close the gap,

to be the irresponsible one for once.

For so long I hid behind that veil of virtue,

Because I was terrified,

Of what might lay beyond the truth.

And yet here we are, in limbo,

Waiting for the sirens to die down,

And the world to speed up again.

For something…

If it must hurt, let it be quick.

And if it finds our hearts entwined,

let us not waste a moment.

Yet here we are, six feet apart,

So close to the answers,

Yet insufferably far.

O this ache has found new depths

Burrowing deeper with every second

Spent in exile from your caress.

I haven’t a clue if I have spoken

Out of term, or have I broken

Some trust you thought I’d earned?

O how I wish you’d tell me dear,

Why it is you refuse to come near,

When just days before,

On our warm golden shore,

We drank the stars to our delight

Until the pale silver light,

Of a full moon bathed your skin

In an ethereal glow.

O how I wish you’d come back

To the ways of yesterday

O how I wish, how I wish…

Before I fall too far, away from you

Before the weight of loneliness,

Implodes, rending my heart in two.

It was another fever dream
A bender loosening slowly,
Then tearing out the seam.

The yarn ain’t flowin’ true
When the tale has two ends
And it all ends in a feud

But what’s a man to do,
When his lover loves another
And no quick thinking
Will make it untrue?

What’s a man to do.

The ache he feels spreads to his fingertips

From the core of a beating crimson heart,

It eats away at him from the inside.

Rapidly expanding like a sheet of ice.

When time and time again he fails

And time and time again he tries

His heart, a broken furnace, seized mid-rhyme

As icicle thoughts plunge through gray matter

And limbs lose momentum with each stride,

The life he once knew, never seemed further

Or more difficult to hide.