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Monthly Archives: April 2021

I wake up only to sing the same routines

Double shot of espresso for the terrible dreams.

Fill my cup with honey to mask the bitterness,

Take a few pills to appease the sickness,

Try to choke some breakfast down,

As my self esteem continues to drown.

The lump in my throat won’t let much pass,

So I settle for some yogurt and an ice cold glass,

Of painful thoughts that circulate around my head,

They hover like a ghost that wants to see me dead

But I’m not willing to let go of this place,

I only want to learn how to forget a face.

I am in mourning…

Not because a loved one passed on,

but because I have a hole inside of me,

that once gleamed like burnished silver,

with diamond insets catching the light,

of a newly awoken sun.

It burned like the molten core of the earth,

flowing in rivers of golden ecstasy,

Filling every crevice of my body,

with an inimitable warmth.

The glow of what used to be,

is now a pulsating ember,

flickering in and out of existence,

teasing the end with its stuttering thoughts,

praying it could hold on a little longer,

though fate is quick to smother hope.

What wasn’t meant to be,

mustn’t be.

And so I go on,

missing a piece,

wishing for peace,

drinking myself to sleep.

I’m fairly confident that my heart is in fact an idiot.

My friends tell me to follow it, that it won’t lead me astray,

But boy would I beg to differ; my heart is a drunkard,

And if I heed its word one more time I may never recover.

The last time I succumbed to its siren song,

I wound up drinking malbec wine in a Mexican restaurant at noon.

Not to say the food wasn’t good, but when you play, Volver, Volver

A half dozen times on the barely functioning jukebox,

as you savor the last drops of glass number four,

it’s safe to say you’ve reached the lowest of lows.

At least from there I had nowhere else to go,

but up… until my heart had something else to say.

I swore that the first time you broke my heart would be the last,

Yet here I am trying to find the words to defeat this loneliness,

That follows me again as I try to give up on the thought of you.

You tried to give me hope where you knew none existed,

that’s what cuts the deepest, the feeling of chasing a ghost.

Some ethereal nothingness that you somehow gave life to,

Feigning just the right amount of affection to keep me hooked,

Planting words like seedlings that spread their roots,

From my heart to my fingertips like a fatal ventriloquist.

But your veil could never last forever if it faced resistance.

I started to question the smoke you’d cast over my doubts,

Massaging them with promises you never meant to keep,

Until I wrenched myself from the grip of your influence.

Still, I sit here not vindicated but somehow feeling guilty,

Because I should have known where this road was going,

I knew all of the signs and cautions along the way,

Yet I still thought I was strong enough to break through

To what I thought was the real you.