It’s not her velvet touch that pulls me in,
Or the curves that flow from head to toe.
It’s in the words she speaks as I eagerly listen,
It’s the galaxy within that makes her glow.
In a million years, I might never discover,
Every planet and star that makes up her soul.
But I would spend my days trying to uncover,
The mysteries that keep me coming back for more.
Among the tropics surrounded by ethereal beauty
People bustling about on a sandy beach,
laughter and the ocean’s song crowd the air,
A thought wades in the shallows of my mind,
Always peeking above the waterline,
never out of view.
I could be carving mountains in the alps,
Feeling the icy breeze graze my skin.
Adrenaline coursing through my veins,
as powdered snow billows with each movement,
and still never escape that feeling.
If I were watching the bulls fight in the Azores,
Women in floral patterns dancing in the streets,
To the rhythm of Fado, blessing the night,
with their majestic step,
And the local wine blurring my vision,
I would still find that thought penetrating the haze.
Because wherever life might take me,
no matter how subtle or extravagant,
I can’t escape the truth,
That home is anywhere,
as long as it’s with you.
Weightless words fog the window
Clouding thoughts I once found mellow
Swirling tricks mistaken for treats,
Feeding me poison in place of sweets.
Spouting phrases out of context,
A hail of daggers finding the X.
Taking breaths to slow my heart,
Subdue the pain as it rips me apart.
Do you hear yourself when you speak,
Or is it I that has only grown weak?
I wish I could turn my head away,
As you find something else to say.
But there is no glory in surrender,
Crack the bottle for another bender,
Numb the soul, stoke the fires,
Spread the memories on funeral pyres,
Watch the ashes catch the breeze,
As my dreams get lost in the trees.
Entangled in your lover’s folly,
Preparing yourself for another volley.
As if this constant upheaval of my health wasn’t enough,
You stand there barking orders telling me to act tough.
Say how easy it is to brush it off with the company of a “friend”,
Tell me how I’ll feel so much better if I see you again.
But let me stop you before you go off the deep end.
Because I’m the one calling the shots for the war within.
The soothing balm of cool night air
Kisses the wrinkles of our furrowed brows,
As we stand motionless in our bubbles,
Single file under the dazzling marquee,
Waiting to release what haunts us.
Outside we are still singular,
We don’t mingle, don’t touch.
But when the music begins,
We are an amalgamation,
Of varied walks of life,
Swaying together in concert,
With the beat of the drums,
And the melody of the vocals.
It brings us together,
Regardless of status or creed.
For one night, to your left and your right,
Stand allies in the fight.
Like a lighthouse, guiding weary souls,
Escaping untenable circumstances,
Through treacherous water toward freedom,
She provides a comforting aura of solidarity.
Even as the country they seek refuge in,
Is governed by an unforgiving tyrant.
And so, not all who bear witness to her light,
Are granted clemency, though all who might,
can feel the warmth she emanates.
And that while the land of freedom,
In its interminable tangle of bureaucracy,
Tries to find every avenue to delay their entry,
They may rest easy knowing when they return,
Hers will be the guiding light which burns.
You can snap my heart like a twig if you please,
It lies in your palm, awaiting a fatal squeeze,
A thought that never fails to bring hope and fear
equally to a soul longing for your voice in its ear.
How sweet it is when I can taste for a moment,
The compliments you give, to which my ears are bent,
Stretching the curative balm of your sonic clarity,
To last another week as you juggle my heart with verity.
Never committing yourself to the love I hold so close,
Yet giving enough to keep my heart in quiet repose,
As it sits in your hands praying for the day,
When you restore it to me, and with you I stay.
I saw you for the first time in nearly a year,
It was bittersweet, as most moments
Have been since the clock struck midnight,
Sealing the fate of the world indefinitely.
I couldn’t see your smile, but your eyes
Sparked a fire in my heart as of old.
Your warmth from six feet away,
Could set ablaze even the iciest soul.
It took everything in me to not close the gap,
to be the irresponsible one for once.
For so long I hid behind that veil of virtue,
Because I was terrified,
Of what might lay beyond the truth.
And yet here we are, in limbo,
Waiting for the sirens to die down,
And the world to speed up again.
For something…
If it must hurt, let it be quick.
And if it finds our hearts entwined,
let us not waste a moment.
Yet here we are, six feet apart,
So close to the answers,
Yet insufferably far.
You had me feeling young again today.
Every ache in my bones seemed to forget
That the sun had risen three hours ago.
I felt lighter on my feet,
The laughter on my lips tasted sweet.
With every word you seem to heal
Every nerve that was screaming.
But how long can this last?
Are you here to stay?
Will you leave if I get too close?
Or is this something worth holding?
When was the last time you relied on five milligrams of anything?
It is such a seemingly insignificant amount,
That I go crazy trying to figure out
Why it refuses to let me move on.
Every time we try something new,
Its the same old story,
No appetite, joints are screaming.
The mornings are the worst,
Begging for the evening
Begging for the reason why.
Back in the ER, fill me up with more.
Ask me all the same questions,
No, I’m not from a broken home,
I just got a little booboo,
nothing you can’t fix.
As long as you have prednisone.
Back to where I started, at least, so it seems.
Riding that roller coaster once again.
The ups and downs come on like a sickness
Sometimes slow, others, it can be vicious.
At times I try to see it as a trial,
Something that can be beat.
A game that I can win without cheats
then I wake up in the morning in a daze,
Searching for the bottle through morning haze,
Take out that five milligrams and swallow,
Maybe it’ll be better tomorrow.
For anyone that is struggling with chronic illness, you are not alone. And it gets better. It is slow, and some days you might feel exactly like this poem, but it gets better. As you learn to adapt and find new ways to enjoy the things you used to. Don’t let the bumps in the road take you out. Hang in there 🙂
The Way it Goes 